This time a million! I have felt so validated--not that I need validation, dammit!--by the recent responses to misogynistic comments about peri/postmenopausal women from certain politicians. A thread on Twitter/X started by @Andie00471 is chock full of pithy no-nonsense women addressing the rage with humor and sass. I find myself repeatedly referring to the meme "I identify as a postmenopausal woman. My pronouns are Try/Me."
Arenosa, your pronouns made me laugh out loud! Try / Me. Haha!! I have some gratitude or possibly amusement for the outright stupid and ignorant words that keep falling out of some people’s mouths. These times, though a tad worrisome, give me even more freedom, permission and liberation to be fully myself, a self I’ve never fully been before. Certainly NOT modest or demure. A few months ago I was waiting in a buffet line with a group of post-menopausal women who are still modest and demure and a male in our age group sidled into what he saw as an audience for a joke. He was standing right next to me and used a biblical reference to insult, disrespect and disparage every woman within earshot. He thought his joke was funny. I did not. I immediately told him that if it wasn’t for women, none of us would be here! And I finished with, “You better watch yourself.” My response was NOT a joke; it was a threat. I relish these opportunities for teachable moments with males. Don’t poke the bear!! Hahaha!
Thanks, Larkin_Law! To be clear, the Try/Me pronouns are not my original idea—I’ve seen several versions of that posted. And anyone who tries to describe me as “demure,” just because I’m normally fairly quiet, is just plain wrong! I once chased a bear out of camp, and that was *before* menopause!
I spent many single years wondering why I wasn't "good enough" to be loved by a man, and why the only men I seemed to get with were either totally emotionally unavailable, or total dicks (or both!)
Now, at 51, I've come to truly understand that I don't need a man in my life. I have friends and family who love me. I am more than capable of enjoying life on my own, and on my own terms. And menopause has taken away pretty much all my sex drive, so I've no need for that (what a relief that is!)
And when and if I do meet someone, I'll be the one who decides if they are good enough for me.
I love (almost) everything about this. I'm a certified Mindfulness & Meditation coach, and while I understand the context of what you are saying in this piece about "mindfulness" I feel there is a better word for it, more in relation to not being demure and modest.
I believe being mindful is simply part of being a decent human, part of genuine mindfulness is being mindful of, and looking after, ourselves first, particularly as women!! We can be wild unabashed feminists who give no fucks for white supremacy, patriarchy, misogyny and any kind of bullshit that keeps women small and still be mindful of others. Healthy reciprocal relationships based in mutuality insist we care about others needs and feelings; completely not being mindful of anyone else veers into an unhealthy end of the selfishness spectrum towards narcissism. Quite frankly I think truly being mindful of the world and cultures we live in means we rage against the forces that oppress us and hold men to account. In my teachings, being "mindful" does not automatically equal pleasing other people, often it can mean pissing of the "right" people.
I agree, you can absolutely be mindful (and should be) without making yourself smaller to appease people, this piece is just a response to the demure trend on TikTok where women are making videos about being demure, mindful and modest - the videos give me the ick
"If you have tattoos no one decent will respect you"
"If you wear an ankle chain it marks you as a 'tart'"
"If you are fat no one decent will want you"
"If you are loud, no one decent will want you"
"If you swear a lot, no one will want you"
"If you don't dress well, no one will listen to you"
"Put your face on, (make up) If you don't make an effort to look nice, you're not making the best of what you've got"
Well I'm fat, 59, swear like a trooper at times, have 5 very old tattoos, am loud at times, scruffy most of the time, tidy (but never smart!) when necessary, haven't worn make up for over 25 years, finally bought ankle chains 10 years ago (why did I wait so long???). In the spirit of authenticity, I do wish I wasn't fat, but not because you won't like me but because I sometime don't like me. But hey, it's a work in progress :-)
Wow, I had a partner who was like that when I was young, he forbade me to get a nose piercing, or a tattoo and try out Kendo because of all the reasons you mentioned.
I ditched him and have since gotten tattoos, piercing and tried martial arts and whatever I feel like. During the pandemic I gor fat too, still working on getting back to where I was so I get that it's hard to like yourself every day.
The young women today have being demure and modest as a choice- not the default. I grew up with the same litany of ideas about girlhood that you mentioned, but today’s young women don’t have the same expectations from society at large. They can choose college, not to marry, to be loud. It makes me sad that they choose modest and demure because that used to be the only option. Women fought back for CENTURIES to make these choices possible. It’s awesome that they actually have a choice, but I hope they don’t waste it.
Great essay! I've spent literally all my life trying to please men and stay in dysfunctional relationships, only to be betrayed and abused by intimate partners. I'm proud to have risen from the ashes of my demure past (demure, submissive and obedient were expected of me as an Asian woman) and not give a fuck to patriarchal expectations anymore! I'm reclaiming my voice and no one can tell me to shut up.
Yes! But also don’t forget the women who would still try and hold us down. One woman I knew, who was leading the exercise class I attended after I retired, found out I had a doctorate. In front of everyone she said “Now why would you go and do that?” Shocking.
It’s really sad that an exercise teacher, who you would think has chosen a job to promote health, makes comments that demonstrate her insecurity and jealousy. I also am retired. I spent 23 years in graduate school and this has given me many opportunities to have a very full and satisfying career. I also have kids and husbands. I couldn’t imagine my yoga teacher disparaging me like that. It’s my time to be free and enjoy life and yours too!
Menopause brain is and should be considered a compliment. Saying and doing whatever you want in its name. Screw demure and quiet. I had enough of that in my younger life and keeping it all in made me ill. No frickin thank you!
"We’re off to enjoy our Crone years. And to tell younger women to fuck demure, modest, mindful as early as possible." Indeed, and we are happy to scream about it, too. Thanks for this brilliant piece.
I like my new mission of telling young women to waste fewer years on “demure” far better than I like Couchfuck’s I should go find some extended family and tend to their children for free while they work.
I actually never spent much time on demure, but I did spend a lot on sexy. I don’t think we age out of sexy, though, do you?
Well thank god our mother never taught us that “demure” crap. We did not have dolls, but many books and stuffed animals. The year my grandmother sent us dolls my mother was appalled, but she didn’t take them away. Once I discovered what the Betsy Wetsy doll did, I never fed that doll again, and my sister did not become a Barbie knock off. I’ve pretty much always been a smart mouth, though.
This time a million! I have felt so validated--not that I need validation, dammit!--by the recent responses to misogynistic comments about peri/postmenopausal women from certain politicians. A thread on Twitter/X started by @Andie00471 is chock full of pithy no-nonsense women addressing the rage with humor and sass. I find myself repeatedly referring to the meme "I identify as a postmenopausal woman. My pronouns are Try/Me."
💪🏽💪🏽
Arenosa, your pronouns made me laugh out loud! Try / Me. Haha!! I have some gratitude or possibly amusement for the outright stupid and ignorant words that keep falling out of some people’s mouths. These times, though a tad worrisome, give me even more freedom, permission and liberation to be fully myself, a self I’ve never fully been before. Certainly NOT modest or demure. A few months ago I was waiting in a buffet line with a group of post-menopausal women who are still modest and demure and a male in our age group sidled into what he saw as an audience for a joke. He was standing right next to me and used a biblical reference to insult, disrespect and disparage every woman within earshot. He thought his joke was funny. I did not. I immediately told him that if it wasn’t for women, none of us would be here! And I finished with, “You better watch yourself.” My response was NOT a joke; it was a threat. I relish these opportunities for teachable moments with males. Don’t poke the bear!! Hahaha!
Thanks, Larkin_Law! To be clear, the Try/Me pronouns are not my original idea—I’ve seen several versions of that posted. And anyone who tries to describe me as “demure,” just because I’m normally fairly quiet, is just plain wrong! I once chased a bear out of camp, and that was *before* menopause!
Those ‘pronouns’ were new to me and I’m still laughing at them! Thank you for that!
I spent many single years wondering why I wasn't "good enough" to be loved by a man, and why the only men I seemed to get with were either totally emotionally unavailable, or total dicks (or both!)
Now, at 51, I've come to truly understand that I don't need a man in my life. I have friends and family who love me. I am more than capable of enjoying life on my own, and on my own terms. And menopause has taken away pretty much all my sex drive, so I've no need for that (what a relief that is!)
And when and if I do meet someone, I'll be the one who decides if they are good enough for me.
It really is a time of surprising changes (mostly for the better) isn't it? Still trying to come to terms with the loss of libido though.
Just give yourself time …you will welcome that also…
I'm 52 and with you on this 100%!
This, and I'm at the age (70), experience, and personality that I don't give a fuck what anyone on TickTock says or does. 😅 So liberating.
haha, yes!
Me too....😊
Me, too
Oh, fuck, YES!
I love (almost) everything about this. I'm a certified Mindfulness & Meditation coach, and while I understand the context of what you are saying in this piece about "mindfulness" I feel there is a better word for it, more in relation to not being demure and modest.
I believe being mindful is simply part of being a decent human, part of genuine mindfulness is being mindful of, and looking after, ourselves first, particularly as women!! We can be wild unabashed feminists who give no fucks for white supremacy, patriarchy, misogyny and any kind of bullshit that keeps women small and still be mindful of others. Healthy reciprocal relationships based in mutuality insist we care about others needs and feelings; completely not being mindful of anyone else veers into an unhealthy end of the selfishness spectrum towards narcissism. Quite frankly I think truly being mindful of the world and cultures we live in means we rage against the forces that oppress us and hold men to account. In my teachings, being "mindful" does not automatically equal pleasing other people, often it can mean pissing of the "right" people.
😉 💙
I agree, you can absolutely be mindful (and should be) without making yourself smaller to appease people, this piece is just a response to the demure trend on TikTok where women are making videos about being demure, mindful and modest - the videos give me the ick
The demure thing is a meme joke, I believe.
While growing up, I was told
"If you have tattoos no one decent will respect you"
"If you wear an ankle chain it marks you as a 'tart'"
"If you are fat no one decent will want you"
"If you are loud, no one decent will want you"
"If you swear a lot, no one will want you"
"If you don't dress well, no one will listen to you"
"Put your face on, (make up) If you don't make an effort to look nice, you're not making the best of what you've got"
Well I'm fat, 59, swear like a trooper at times, have 5 very old tattoos, am loud at times, scruffy most of the time, tidy (but never smart!) when necessary, haven't worn make up for over 25 years, finally bought ankle chains 10 years ago (why did I wait so long???). In the spirit of authenticity, I do wish I wasn't fat, but not because you won't like me but because I sometime don't like me. But hey, it's a work in progress :-)
Wow, I had a partner who was like that when I was young, he forbade me to get a nose piercing, or a tattoo and try out Kendo because of all the reasons you mentioned.
I ditched him and have since gotten tattoos, piercing and tried martial arts and whatever I feel like. During the pandemic I gor fat too, still working on getting back to where I was so I get that it's hard to like yourself every day.
Thanks for sharing!
P.S: I like you :)
Aw that's kind of you Ronke, thank you :-)
The young women today have being demure and modest as a choice- not the default. I grew up with the same litany of ideas about girlhood that you mentioned, but today’s young women don’t have the same expectations from society at large. They can choose college, not to marry, to be loud. It makes me sad that they choose modest and demure because that used to be the only option. Women fought back for CENTURIES to make these choices possible. It’s awesome that they actually have a choice, but I hope they don’t waste it.
Our job is to make sure they don't :D
Great essay! I've spent literally all my life trying to please men and stay in dysfunctional relationships, only to be betrayed and abused by intimate partners. I'm proud to have risen from the ashes of my demure past (demure, submissive and obedient were expected of me as an Asian woman) and not give a fuck to patriarchal expectations anymore! I'm reclaiming my voice and no one can tell me to shut up.
👏👏👏👏👏💪🏽
Yes! But also don’t forget the women who would still try and hold us down. One woman I knew, who was leading the exercise class I attended after I retired, found out I had a doctorate. In front of everyone she said “Now why would you go and do that?” Shocking.
yes, there's a special place in hell for women like that.
It’s really sad that an exercise teacher, who you would think has chosen a job to promote health, makes comments that demonstrate her insecurity and jealousy. I also am retired. I spent 23 years in graduate school and this has given me many opportunities to have a very full and satisfying career. I also have kids and husbands. I couldn’t imagine my yoga teacher disparaging me like that. It’s my time to be free and enjoy life and yours too!
love this! true for my mom, and now true for me.
remember: "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle". (quote from an old poster)
from the good ole days when women's rights were a thing.
Menopause brain is and should be considered a compliment. Saying and doing whatever you want in its name. Screw demure and quiet. I had enough of that in my younger life and keeping it all in made me ill. No frickin thank you!
Messy, brash, straightforward with no fucks left to give...
Yay us...!
🎉🔥
"We’re off to enjoy our Crone years. And to tell younger women to fuck demure, modest, mindful as early as possible." Indeed, and we are happy to scream about it, too. Thanks for this brilliant piece.
Thank you 😊
Especially when you’re free!
I like my new mission of telling young women to waste fewer years on “demure” far better than I like Couchfuck’s I should go find some extended family and tend to their children for free while they work.
I actually never spent much time on demure, but I did spend a lot on sexy. I don’t think we age out of sexy, though, do you?
Well thank god our mother never taught us that “demure” crap. We did not have dolls, but many books and stuffed animals. The year my grandmother sent us dolls my mother was appalled, but she didn’t take them away. Once I discovered what the Betsy Wetsy doll did, I never fed that doll again, and my sister did not become a Barbie knock off. I’ve pretty much always been a smart mouth, though.