My Menopausal Mood Swings Turned Me Into a Stranger to Myself
Hot flashes are uncomfortable, but uncontrollable mood swings can be so disabling I wonder why we don’t hear about them more
Welcome to The Menopause Brain!
I recently realized that the dark cloud hanging over me for the last few years was caused by menopause.
The hormonal shifts were making me feel crazy. I had attributed my sadness, depression and anxiety to the crazy state of the world - and even though that’s definitely contributing - the real reason is that my body changing.
I decided to share my experiences with you. Let me know how it's going for you. I'll tell you my story, do tell me yours! Maybe we can help each other through the highs and lows of this transition.
When I went into menopause and suddenly started sweating profusely at the most inopportune moments, I wasn’t surprised.
Sure, sometimes I felt embarrassed. Yes, I know it’s natural, but if you haven’t gone through airport security with rivers of sweat dripping down your face and your back, I’m not sure you can understand.
But the sweats felt like something that was supposed to happen. Just one of the downfalls of having a female body and hormones.
Like most women, I had little idea of what else was to come. Knowing what I know now, I’m convinced that learning about the details of menopause should be mandatory for everyone — starting in high school.
I know menopause is finally talked about more these days, but it’s still not enough. Why don’t we learn about it in biology or sex-ed?
Women’s magazines rarely talk about it in more than a superficial way. I guess they don’t want to distract you from buying new make-up and clothes with detailed descriptions of aging and impending physical dysfunction.
Not even my mother talked about it with me.
I was left reeling by this new feeling of deep, uncontrollable rage. And the anxiety and the depression.
Over the last couple of years, I’ve experienced a plethora of new, unwelcome negative emotions. The experience has left me angry — justified angry, not menopausal angry — that nobody ever educated me about this side of menopause.
Sure, we know that menopause exists.
Menopausal hot flashes are the subject of comedies. Sketches that make light of women getting older. But you don’t really understand what it means until it happens to you.
Tell me, what do you think of when you hear menopause?
Are you worried about menopause because you’ve been told it’s a sign that you’re old? Have you been told that menopause means it’s game over? That you’re no longer young and fertile when it occurs?
Even though we should know better — after all, 50 is the new 40, as my mom keeps telling me — we all think about old age. We see a grandma rocking her grandchildren and knitting socks.
But that’s not you yet, is it?
You’ve probably heard that you can expect some weight gain or hair loss. But do you also know about mood swings, tinnitus, forgetfulness, brain fog, insomnia, sadness, anxiety or depressive episodes?
And itchy ears? Apparently, this is a common thing.
No? Well, buckle up. 85% of women experience symptoms of varying severity. Chances are high you’ll be in for a bumpy ride.
Because you’re not a granny, you probably have a full-time job and a family. And you have to navigate your job and your responsibilities while suddenly feeling like a complete stranger to yourself.
I had no idea that menopause would intermittently turn me into a raging ball of anger. My husband can confirm that I’m scary when I’m angry, but under normal circumstances, I’m pretty patient and chill.
Suddenly, I lost all my chill. Every day, I woke up anxious, feeling overwhelmed by every single thing I had to do that day and wondering what the point of getting up was.
I used to be someone who woke up happy; now everything felt like a chore, and people drove me nuts.
All the people, even the ones I love.
I picked fights and stopped talking to people — some of them for good reason — but before menopause, I would have been more diplomatic.
And, of course, I had no idea what was going on. I felt like a dark cloud was hovering over me, that life was no longer fun, but I couldn’t pinpoint why.
Sure, the hot flashes and sweats told me I was menopausal, but I didn’t make the connection between the dark cloud and my hormones for a long time.
If I had, I wouldn’t have wasted time trying to combat my menopause symptoms with a mix of yam extract and black cohosh.
I would have gone straight to hormone replacement therapy (HRT).
Hormone replacement therapy got a bad reputation in the early 2000s when a study seemed to show that the side effects of HRT were worse than the benefits it brought to women.
I still remember the sensational magazine headlines about the increased risk of breast cancer with HRT. Women immediately stopped taking hormone replacement.
Even now that studies have shown the overwhelming benefits of HRT has for the cardiovascular system, reducing coronary disease and all-cause mortality, HRT hasn’t recovered from the bad reputation it acquired.
My grandmother died of breast cancer so, like many women, I shied away from taking hormones.
I tried to go the ”natural” route. I ate more soy products, took natural hormone supplements and continued to sweat like a pig.
It wasn’t sustainable so I talked to my gynecologist. A kind and well-educated woman I trust.
She finally made the connection for me. She explained that the sweating, the mood swings and all the other symptoms were connected and recommended I start using estrogen.
And it helped. Not being bathed in sweat 24/7 helped me focus on battling all the other symptoms. Estrogen alone hasn’t been able to get rid of all of the mood disorders, unfortunately.
But a combination of more sleep, physical activity, ashwagandha, St. John’s Wort, passionflower and taking care of my microbiome with fiber-rich food, kefir and fermented vegetables has helped immensely.
Now I finally have days when I wake up in the morning and feel like myself again. Full of energy and motivation to get up and do something.
I cherish these days and try to savor them because it’s still a fragile balance.
Most of us don’t know that menopause can make it extremely hard to be a functional adult both at work and at home. Until we’re in the middle of it.
And while we struggle, the people around us have no idea what’s going on either. Why we are constantly irritated. Why we are so tired or no longer enjoy the activities we used to love.
Our boss doesn’t understand why we suddenly keep forgetting meetings or deadlines or papers we were supposed to bring. If he’s a younger man he might have heard of pregnancy brain. But menopause brain is a thing, too. Brain fog is real.
Companies rarely make accommodations for menopausal women. Even as we now thankfully have prayer rooms for religious employees, there are no cold rooms for women experiencing hot flashes. Wouldn’t you love one of those?
There is no way to take more time off or rest more. Even though we might really need it. Because it’s just women getting old, not a big thing right?
But it really is, it can be considered a disability if the symptoms are serious.
As the Guardian reports, according to the Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC), employers should be forced to make adjustments for women who are going through menopause.
New guidance issued by the Equality and Human Rights Commission says menopause symptoms with a long term and substantial impact on women’s day-to-day activities may be considered a disability …
Employers could be sued for disability discrimination if they fail to make “reasonable adjustments” for women going through menopause under new guidance issued by the Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC) on Thursday, amid concern over the number of women leaving their jobs due to symptoms.
And believe me, there have been many days where I’ve considered quitting my job.
Even though menopause is called the change, it isn’t seen as the monumental change in your body it really is.
It can be hard and debilitating.
Everyone needs to be aware of that — your husband, your boss, your colleagues, your kids, your friends.
They should have learned about it in school. In detail. Menopause doesn’t just affect women. It affects society as a whole. It affects our relationships and our productivity.
You shouldn’t have to have individual awkward conversations about it. And you should have the space to go through it with support and dignity.
So you don’t have to turn into an angry ball of fire just to get some space and time for yourself.
Let’s talk about it and share our experiences to support each other. What is/was it like for you? Let me know how you coped.