Your #1 Perimenopause Survival Tool to Get You Through the Darkest Days
The light at the end of the tunnel
I look back on my 20s and 30s and am amazed at how carefree I was. Life seemed to unfold (more or less) with ease. Yes, there were stressful events and happenings, but I could take things in stride.
The last decade has been a slow, steady descent.
Our mothers and grandmothers used to joke about the Change, but I don’t know any women my age laughing. Many of us are gritting our teeth and screaming into pillows. Regardless of the circumstances of our lives, there’s a consensus that everything is harder.
Physically, there are the usual suspects like weight gain and muscle loss. Though I don’t have hot flashes, I do have insomnia. But the worst (at least for me) are the emotional and psychological symptoms:
Brain fog
Critical self-doubt
Showing up small (or in my case not at all)
Cripling anxiety
I don’t know what kind of a crisis it is anymore.
Is it mid-life, burnout, existential, or perimenopause?
Probably all four.
In all cases, I’m on a self-prescribed gap year. Usually, I can suck things up and force my way through anything. But not this time. I had to step away.
Four months in, and I’m starting to feel better. I feel more myself. The lost parts are talking again, finally.
I’ve spoken to other gap-year-ers, and the consensus seems to be that six months to a year is spent doing nothing. After that, some find inspiration or other projects to pursue. Some start their own companies or work again.
In my case, I am focussing on my health and wellness. I take these very seriously. As in life or death seriously. When one item is off-kilter, it cascades to all the others.
Walking, fitness, meditation, sleep hygiene, writing, cooking, and therapy.
But I have a secret weapon.
2023 was the year when my life started unraveling fast. My role was made redundant, and there were three country moves. In between, I started a new role despite my body telling me to take a break.
The stressors kept mounting.
Though I had an arsenal of tools: medical access, a meditation practice, and a financial safety net, I did not feel well.
Relentless fatigue. Seething rage. Lip-curling cynicism. I could not regulate myself. Everything triggered me.
None of my usual mindfulness tools worked, but HRT was a Godsend. Psilocybin micro-dosing was also helpful. Therapy gave me permission to look at the darkest parts of myself and make peace with them.
But the secret?
It was my friendships that got me through.
I’m not talking about coffee dates and smiley WhatsApp check-ins.
These are multi-year dialogues with individual friends and groups of friends where we talk about our symptoms and strategies. There is no sugar coating.
What’s criminal to me is that it used to be normal for women to gather in their communities, share stories, and help each other. But now we do it online, in secret, in back alleys. Out of the public eye.
My friends and I share resources, podcasts, articles, social media accounts, book recommendations, quotes, screenshots, jokes — anything to help each other through these difficult years.
“I’ve been there. Here’s what I’ve tried. Here’s what worked.”
Relief.
I’m (we’re) not crazy, after all.
You see, it’s not just me suffering.
Most of my friends are struggling. We’re all mid-40s to mid-50s. Maybe you can relate? Maybe your friends are also suffering?
Among my friends and extended friendships:
Some took sick leave; some were sick and never returned.
Some quit; some retired.
Many aren’t getting support from their doctors. Many think they are going crazy.
But this secret web of connection, conversation, and collections of resources is helping us all.
The antidote to gaslighting yourself is talking to others.
And now a word from Brené Brown…
If you have not read this, hold on to your hats.
Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing — these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt — has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.
My reflection on Brené’s famous midlife quote
I have revisited Brene Brown’s quote over the last few years and always get something new from it. Looking at it now, here are the key lessons I’ve learned.
Midlife is a time of radical personal transformation. It’s hard. If you want to get to the other side, you’ve got to listen to your inner wisdom. Over the decades, I silenced that part of me. We all have it, but most of us have repressed her, shushed her into hibernation. But she’s talking. She’s there. She’s with you.
The work to get through requires a lot of self-reflection, self-care, and healing. You might be able to do it on your own, but I have found working with multiple modalities very helpful. Yoga, mindfulness, walks in the park, alone time, hot baths, therapy, somatics, massage, singing, creativity, art, music, journaling, and friendship.
The self-soothing and self-medication habits that we’ve leaned on in the past have got to go.
Wine. Prosecco. Negronis. Weed. Valium —As a regular habit? No, they are harming you, not supporting you. Many women I know have forgone alcohol or drastically reduced it. The evidence is clear. Alcohol is a carcinogen. It also interferes with sleep.
Though I would have done anything to escape the crushing darkness, I could not. For me, these last years have been a dark night of the soul. The only way to the other side is to sit with your darkness; dance with her; and make peace with her.
Final thoughts…
Middle age is a breeze for some, but for many women I know, it has been challenging.
If you allow it, middle age is a time of dramatic reflection and transformation.
I can assure you that the only way through is through. Once you start the journey, you cannot turn back. You can’t unlearn what’s there for you to see.
Find supportive tools that work for you. Read books; listen to podcasts, but most importantly, listen to yourself. Take care of yourself. There’s no one else who can do a better job than you.
Though I’ve used an arsenal of tools, resources, and strategies, for me, the most valuable resource has been my friendships.
Old friends; new friends; young ones and older ones. Many of these relationships have deepened, but some were lost. Join hands with your sisters, so you can hold each other up.
Now that I am regaining strength, I know there is light on the other side.
Nearing 50, my wish for you is this:
As you are helped and healed, may you find the energy and grace to support others.
Resources
This story was first published in the Middle Pause on Mar 26, 2024
 | A guest post by
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My horse helps. It’s nice just to be taken for ‘the one who supplies apples and ear scratches.’ No further demands his end, and I get snuggles and micromoments of success in the saddle in return.
Thank you for the recommendation of the podcast with Dr. Mary Claire Haver! I'm in menopause now and was fortunate enough in the early 2000s to find a gyn who knew what she was doing. The principles that Dr. Haver follows are sound, based on what I found out then. Yesterday I messaged the psychiatrist who co-authored Women's Moods, about how hormones affect us at all stages of the reproductive cycle, who referred me to my super gyn. Buying Dr. Haver's new book "The New Menopause" right away. All this is by way of preparing to write my own article for this newsletter.